Funny Christmas Quotes

Tickle your funny bone with these funny Christmas Quotes and Sayings.

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. ~Joan Rivers

Our children await Christmas presents like politicians getting in election returns: there's the Uncle Fred precinct and the Aunt Ruth district still to come in. ~Marcelene Cox

There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas. ~Robert Lynd

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. ~Emma Bombeck

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~Phyllis Diller

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log. ~Ellen DeGeneres

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Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~Johnny Carson

Don’t be surprised if a BIG fat red man comes down your chimney and puts you in a black sack... I told Santa I want you for Christmas. ~Unknown Author

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included. ~Bernard Manning

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~Johnny Carson

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. ~W. C. Fields

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. ~Author Unknown

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. ~ Unknown Author

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Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit. ~Kin Hubbard

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. ~Erma Bombeck

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. ~Phyllis Diller

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. ~Dave Barry

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ~Jay Leno

Roses are reddish

Violets are bluish

If it weren't for Christmas

We'd all be Jewish.

~Benny Hill

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. ~Unknown Author

Christmas is a holiday that persecutes the lonely, the frayed, and the rejected. ~Jimmy Cannon

Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own. ~Ethel Merman

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Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money. ~Author Unknown

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. ~Richard Lamm

If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, wouldn't it be a Merry Christmas?  ~Don Meredith

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