Find a huge collection of funny sayings and funny quotes on a number of different topics including some of the funniest sayings of all time.
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes.
Read more Funny Bumper Sticker Sayings
You can always find happiness at work on Friday.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Read More Funny Fortune Cookie Sayings
She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!
You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.
He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest.
Read more Funny Redneck Sayings
Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.
No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.
Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.
Read more Pirate Sayings
I’m in shape… Round is a shape.
Irish I were drunk.
SEX…do it for the kids.
Read more Funny T-Shirt Sayings
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha."
My husband and I fell in love at first sight... maybe I should have taken a second look.
~ Crimes and Misdemeanors
There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.
~ Dave Letterman
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
Im fit’n to shut the lights off yall.
Read more Funny Hillbilly Sayings and Expressions
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
~ Carl Sandburg
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.
~Everett McKinley Dirksen
Read more Funny Life Quotes
When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
~ Jonathan Clements
Read more Funny Retirement Quotes
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