Funny Sayings, Quotes and Expressions

Find a huge collection of funny sayings and funny quotes on a number of different topics including some of the funniest sayings of all time. 

Funny Bumper Sticker Sayings

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Cover Me - I'm Changing Lanes.

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Funny Fortune Cookie Sayings and Expressions

You can always find happiness at work on Friday.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Oops...wrong cookie!

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Funny Redneck Sayings and Expressions

She’s so clumsy she could trip over a cordless phone!

You look about as happy as a tick on a fat dog.

He’s busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest.

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Funny Pirate Sayings and Quotes

Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

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Funny T-Shirt Sayings and Expressions

I’m in shape… Round is a shape.

Irish I were drunk.

SEX…do it for the kids.

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Funny Movie Sayings and Quotes

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha."
~ Shrek

My husband and I fell in love at first sight... maybe I should have taken a second look.
~ Crimes and Misdemeanors

There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
~Airplane

Funniest Sayings of All Time

When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

USA Today has come out with a new survey. Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population.
~ Dave Letterman

Funny Hillbilly Sayings and Expressions

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

Im fit’n to shut the lights off yall.

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Funny Life Quotes and Sayings

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
~ Carl Sandburg

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
~Jane Wagner

Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries.
~Everett McKinley Dirksen

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Funny Retirement Quotes and Sayings

When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.
~Gene Perret

He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement.
~Unknown

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.
~ Jonathan Clements

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In the mood for a little more funny? Check out funnyfix.com for more funny sayings and short funny jokes, plus funny riddles and brainteasers.


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