Bob Hope Quotes and Sayings

Popular Bob Hope Quotes:

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Bob Hope on Golf

Bob Hope Golf Quotes
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I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. (about his golf game)

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, he’ll let him.

If you watch a game it is leisure, if you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I’m an international player. I can say ‘shank’ in twenty-seven languages.

I once showed Pat Bradley my swing and said, ‘What do I do next?’ Pat replied, ‘Wait till the pain dies down.

I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.

For the average player, Pebble Beach could be murder. It was Alcatraz with grass…After playing Pebble Beach you needed antifreeze, not orange juice.

My only regret is that they don’t have an intensive care unit in the Eisenhower Medical Center for my golf game.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark ...

Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

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Bob Hope Quotes on Politics and Polititians

Politicians who speak of health care don’t seem to realize that it is their campaign speeches that make us sick.

I’m all for foreign aid, and the sooner we get it, the better.

Ronald Reagan is not your typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He’s always had an agent for that.

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an intermission.

Quayle thinks Roe vs. Wade are two ways to cross the Potomac.

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.

Bob Hope Quotes on Age and Ageing

Bob Hope Quotes on Ageing
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She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

I'm so old, they've canceled my blood type.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

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Bob Hope Quotes and Sayings about actors and actresses

You can count Zsa Zsa Gabor’s age by counting the rings on her fingers.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

Funny Bob Hope Quotes and Sayings

Funny Bob Hope Quotes
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The good news is Jesus is coming back. The bad news is he is really pissed off.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.



A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean “your guess is as good as mine.”

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine Barbecued.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rights make a wrong.

Don't tempt me, I can resist anything but temptation.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

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Other Great Bob Hope Quotes

Bob Hope Quotes
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If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things - not the great occasions - give off the greatest glow of happiness.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

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