If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn’t done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit’s eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson’s eyes and ask him if it hurts
My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat] but somehow she’s sneakin’ out at night. ‘Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw… I wouldn’t have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, ‘Hey, what’s that on you paw About god and her faith
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it’s such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her
Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour] and then they start dropping and they don’t stop dropping until the act is completed. So it’s not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That’s how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, ‘Boy, don’t we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.’ I don’t know about you, but if I’m one of these two birds, you’re getting close to the ground… I would serioulsy consider fakin’ it
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes about animals
Ellen DeGeneres quotes about God
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, ‘Let there be light!’ And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes
I look at anything in nature and how things work-the stars, the pyramids-and I can`t imagine that there`s not some kind of design to it all. There`s got to be something big that we don`t understand. I do believe in Jesus. I believe in being good to one another. Life is about spending our time here contributing and not taking away. That`s my faith
I was raised very, very strictly with Christian Science. I didn’t have a shot or an aspirin or anything until I was 13 years old. We had to go to church, do testimonies every Wednesday night. I think all religion is based on what happens after this life. You live a certain way so that when you die, things can be good. But why can’t things be good now? Why can’t you understand that you’re in heaven now? That’s how I live. I believe in God. I think that God is everywhere. Every morning I look outside, and I say, “Hi, God.” Because I think that the trees are God. I think that our whole experience is God
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes about God
Ellen Degeneres quotes on being a comedian
I just like observing people-it`s something I`ve done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That`s a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes
For me, it’s that I contributed, … That I’m on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That’s to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.
The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing. I knew I had found my life’s work.
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant
When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, ” When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies.” But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you’re not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.
~ Ellen Degeneres quotes about being a comedian
Ellen Degeneres quotes About being gay
With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we’re all gay. Now there are people out there going “Do they think we’re gay because we’re here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We’re not going to understand a word of this.” Seriously, though, if you’re here you’re probably gay. I mean, you have tendencies, you’ve thought about it. Now there are people going “I have thought about it. Does that mean I’m gay? I’m not gay. Is that how they get us?”
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes
I knew if I came out, there was a possibility I would lose my career. But I didn’t do it for my career, I did it for me to live my truth,” she says. “I thought, ‘I don’t want to live and have any shame whatsoever.’ I should be proud of who I am, and I don’t care if people approve or not. It is who I am
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren’t a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But…I’m a loving, spiritual person
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that’s where us gay people come from… you heterosexual
I’m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian
I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that’s ever happened to me has taught me compassion
I wish that I wasn’t seen differently. I wish that people looked at me and just saw that I was a good person with a good heart. And that wants to make people laugh. And that’s who I am. I also happen to be gay. And I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don’t care if it’s called marriage. I don’t care if it’s called, you know, domestic partnership. I don’t care what it’s called. I mean, there are couples that have been together, 30 years, 40 years. And all of a sudden, they lose their house, you know, the taxes kill them, because it’s different because they’re not married.
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes about being gay
Ellen Degeneres quotes on consumer products
Yes, we’re lazy. Yet we also can’t seem to sit still. So we’ve started making things like GO-GURT. That’s yogurt for people on the go. Let me ask you, was there a big mobility problem with yogurt before? How time-consuming was it, really?
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut
Baloney is just salami with an inferiority complex
I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that’s all I want. I don’t want the tartar and I don’t want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the ‘Colgate Total’ that supposedly has everything in there. I don’t believe that for one second. If it’s all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who’s going: “I don’t mind the tartar so much
So, I bought a new cd and I was trying to get it open but couldn’t with all the layers..I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says open here..is that sarcasm?, and buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard and then scissors….you need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? you wouldnt be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it’s this thin thin cardboard …..what are they thinking? “Ohh they’ll be fine
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes on consumer products
Ellen Degeneres quotes on exercise and working out and weight
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes
I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: ‘Ohhh my God, you’re thin.’
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It’s been about two months since I’ve worked out. And I just don’t have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
I started going to sleep at night just talking to myself, saying, “You’re perfect just the way you are,” because I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good. Just those affirmations every night changed my belief in who I was because I had been told for so long, over and over, that I was something else.
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym, I call it James
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon
I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I’m looking out of my third eye and everything that I’m supposed to be doing. It’s amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. ‘Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama’s got the magic of Clorox 2.’
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes on exercise and working out
Random Funny Ellen Degeneres quotes
I know that “personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.” And I know that for sure because I read it on the sign at the dry cleaner’s.
~ Funny Ellen Degeneres quotes
I was coming home from kindergarten–well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It’s good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
And now I’ve got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It’s not your fault. You’ve held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, ‘Oh! Listen, there’s an odor in there and I didn’t do it. It’s bad
I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there’s morning sickness. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.
Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong – normally you wouldn’t say, thank God I have gas.
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said “God Bless you” I said, “I didn’t sneeze” She looked deep into my eyes and said, “You will, eventually.” And damn it if she wasn’t right. Two days later I sneezed.
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me – they’re just, like, ‘I can’t believe you don’t remember me!” I’m like, ‘Oh Dad I’m sorry!’
Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
Our egos tells us we’re the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We’re the only ones with a relationship. We’re the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you’re ruining. There’s a conversation going on outside with the other spiders. ‘Did you hear about Chris?….Killed yeah….Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone. Well, she’s got her legs full I’ll tell you that right now. Chris was so kind, wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week. Those humans think they’re so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make
Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away
But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let’s get our priorities straight. I think we all know what’s really important in life ? winning an Oscar
Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log
~ Read more holiday sayings
Here’s the analogy. If my body were a car, I’d be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up…kinda lookin’ around goin–maybe kickin my knees. Looking behind me going: “That looks a little bashed in back there…Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?” ‘Well yes I do! Thank you very much
Have you ever heard somebody sing some lyrics that you’ve never sung before, and you realize you’ve never sung the right words in that song? You hear them and all of a sudden you say to yourself, ‘Life in the Fast Lane?’ That’s what they’re saying right there? You think, ‘why have I been singing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ how many people have heard me sing ‘wipe in the vaseline?’ I am an idiot.”
When life gives you lemons….they could really be oranges
~ Read more funny life quotes
Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – Too Busy Disorder
Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of ‘I think I’m a loser,’ try ‘I definitely am a loser.’ Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don’t even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren`t any space aliens. We can`t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we`re not all there is. If so, we`re in big trouble.
We`re told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews?
~ Funny Ellen DeGeneres quotes
Other Great Ellen Degeneres quotes
Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes
Sometimes the greatest things are the most embarrassing.
I`d like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I`ve tried to meditate, but it`s really hard for me to stay still. I`d like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can`t shut my mind up.
I think when you have these trials that life gives you, it is an opportunity to find out who you are. Not just who you are when everything’s great, but who are you when every thing is taken away from you and you have nothin
The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days
I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it
Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You say you`re sick and tired of hearing about me? I`ve got news for you: I`M sick and tired of hearing about me.
The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you`re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
Don’t give advice. It will come back and bite you in the butt. Don’t take anyone’s advice. So, my advice to you is to be true to yourself and everything will be fine.
I didn’t go to college at all, any college, and I’m not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they see, you’ll have more beads than you know what to do with.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I’m just like “shut up, shut up, shut up…blah blah blah blah blaaaaah
There are a million people who are refugees… life goes on and if it didn’t effect you directly you may not know how devastating this is.
Don’t you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. “Oh, I’m sorry I’m late, traffic.” “Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?
If we don’t want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we’re stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions, by what we do
My life is perfect even when it’s not
~ Ellen DeGeneres quotes