Phyllis Diller Quotes and Sayings

The Best Phyllis Diller Quotes Ever:

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller on Parenting

Phyllis Diller Quotes

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.


Phyllis Diller Quotes on Ageing

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me in the rear.

You know you’re old if you’re walker has an airbag.

I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do

You want to look younger? Rent smaller children.

Phyllis Diller Quotes on Housekeeping

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, “Who could have done this? we have no enemies

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Phyllis Diller Quotes on Men and Dating

Phyllis Diller Quotes and Sayings

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Just the other day I said to Fang, “Don’t you think we’ve got a storybook romance?” and he said, “Yes, and every page is ripped

Other Great Funny Phyllis Diller Quotes

Funny Phyllis Diller Quotes

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant

Money’s scarce
Times are hard
Here’s your fucking
Xmas card

If that’s the best joke in the world then I’ve never had a facelift.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Phyllis Diller Quotes

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. 

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed. 

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

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