The Best George Burns Quotes of All time.
It is better to be a failure at something you love than a success at something you hate.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
Happiness is having a large, loving, close knit family, in another city.
The happiest people I know are the ones who are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired.
It takes me only one drink to get drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
Look to the future because that’s where you’ll spend the rest of your life.
young. old. just words.
You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
There is nothing wrong with making love with the lights on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
When I was a boy, the dead sea was only sick.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman – or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
I thought to myself, ‘why not write a bestseller?’ In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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